your thong is hanging out like whoa
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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