My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
