All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
