totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
