Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
