Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
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