oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
