Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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