This dress was meant to end up on your floor
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize