I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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