i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The ass gains better be worth it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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