Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
