Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
