you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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