There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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