Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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