Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
