How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
