I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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