you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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