remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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