You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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