I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
