yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
