a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
