i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
