Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
