I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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