Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it's like heaven, but drunker
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
