U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
