i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
