the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
