Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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