I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
