i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
