and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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