I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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