Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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