I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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