i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
