cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
