her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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