just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
