The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
