Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize