But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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