her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
