that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
