Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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