On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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