Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
