I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
