saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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