Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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