Don't make out with my wife yet
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
