when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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