I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
