no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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