So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
